I celebrated my first Mother’s Day and was reminded of years prior when the day used to bring feelings of sadness. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but I felt a sting and ache in my heart. It sounds a little dramatic, but honest. I am still catching up to the reality that I am a mom now.
A unique pang lives in the soul when one wants to be a mom, but for one or twelve reasons or another, the body just won’t, or can’t. Isn’t this what I was made to do? I’d say to myself more times than I can count. It seemed as if everyone around me could get pregnant easily, just because they planned to. I couldn’t have a regular cycle, let alone track enough to try and succeed on the first try! I felt even more deranged at times when people would accidentally get pregnant; they weren’t even trying, “but the Lord had other plans.” Well, dang, why wasn’t it the Lord’s plan for me, then?
If I could put an image to what infertility is to me it would resemble something of a shriveld up shrew. Often mistaken for a rat, the freaking shrew is poisonous, aggressive, and solitary—oh the solitude. It is the loneliest of experiences. There’s consistent self-doubt and twisted hope. I never wanted to admit that I was taking another pregnancy test, but I so desperately wanted it to say, yes. Finally, you’re pregnant. Instead, the one line is ingrained into my memory. Another reminder that I was not pregnant, not good enough, or whatever long list of self-deprecation came to mind on that particular day. I knew it wasn’t true, and I’d immediately feel worse for thinking and speaking that way about myself, but I couldn’t help it. Sometimes it felt easier to make up reasons and blame myself instead of saying what I thought. Why not me, Lord?
I never doubted God could. I’ve always believed in His ability, so I was just left feeling that He was mean. Why would he withhold something so easy for Him to do? It was something I needed to work through consistently. I felt so much grief and confusion at times. Albeit I wasn’t in this state of emotional turmoil every day, I was bound to have some down moments and a lack of faith, and that I did. My lack of faith was in the plan. I wasn’t sure the Lord wanted me to become a mom. I wanted to be open to whatever He had for me….as long as it included a baby! There are always stipulations to our prayers, and we trust as long as we can see the whole picture.
A friend reminded me that it’s not surprising to feel a little sad on Mother’s Day, even now that I have my baby. For so many years, it became a tradition for me to feel down on this day, and it isn’t easy for my heart to catch up with this change. The grief is still present in some form, stemming from the pain I’ve experienced and the challenges of our family planning. We are saving thousands of dollars again for another chance at having another baby, and that feels unfair. I find myself feeling frustrated, and sometimes anxiety creeps in. What if I can’t give my baby a sibling? What if my body is unable to experience another pregnancy? There are a lot of what-if scenarios and I have zero control of the outcome.
If we take a moment to reflect, we will see that there are few things in life that we truly have control over. It’s easy to become fixated on the things we desperately want, especially when we want them so badly. It breaks my heart to know that so many others are also waiting for their babies. While we have our little girl, many others have experienced the loss of a baby due to miscarriage, failed IVF cycles, or find themselves navigating unexplained infertility. Regardless of the circumstances, many hearts and lives are left feeling empty. I hate this reality. Life can be incredibly difficult, and amid pain and waiting, I want to remind everyone that it’s okay to feel angry and to continue to hope and wish for what you long for. I also encourage you to trust in the Lord’s abundant plan for your life. It may not look the way you envisioned, but I promise it will be beautiful.
Talk soon,
Liz Layne